Get Off the Emotional Roller Coaster

Posted on May 15, 2016 by

emotional roller coasterThe older I get the more I dislike roller coasters.

They take you way up high and bring you way down low so fast they leave your head spinning. And no matter how loud you scream, you can’t do a thing about it. For some, its a thrilling experience, but for me its just a headache.

I remember going to the fair one year and riding the Gravitron, the spinning space ship ride. Although it isn’t exactly a roller coaster, it still had a similar effect on me. It looked fun and everyone who rode it ahead of me seemed to enjoy it. Boy was I sorry afterwards. I was so dizzy when it ended that I couldn’t do anything else the rest of the night. All I wanted to do was lie down, close my eyes, and hope I didn’t lose the funnel cake I had eaten earlier. What was supposed to be an enjoyable time ended up being a horrible one that I will never do again. Why would I, knowing how it made me feel? Which leads me to my point. Emotional roller coasters are your choice to ride, but if you don’t like how they make you feel get off and stop riding it.

Let’s apply this to life’s challenges. An emotional roller coaster is a situation that takes you up into euphoria one moment and leaves you down in the dumps the next. And as if that sudden crash wasn’t enough it takes you back on top of the world again only to take you so low that it feels like the world is on top of you. That love interest who keeps stringing you along with mixed signals; that family member who promises to do right but keeps making wrong choices; that annoying coworker who you hate to see come and love to see go are a few examples of emotional roller coasters. These spikes in emotion are no good for you or me, and it’s emotionally harmful to subject ourselves to them. Sure, bad things happen and in many cases are uncontrollable, but there is something we can control…how we respond to them both physically and emotionally.

In the past week I’ve been reminded about the difference between a thermostat and a thermometer as they relate to life on three different occasions. So I figure it must be an important lesson for me right now. A person who is like a thermometer only reflects what is going on around them. If something hurtful happens to them, they feel and wallow in that hurt or respond with another hurtful action. A person who is like a thermostat makes the necessary adjustments to the things going on around them. If that same hurtful thing happens, they feel the hurt too, but they choose not to allow that situation to get them down and they refuse to respond with hurt. Their mentality is this…Yes, it may hurt but you won’t get the benefit of knowing it. It may hit me like a ton of bricks, but instead of getting buried in those bricks I’m building something bigger and better out of them!

I rode an emotional roller coaster once. I was a young and naive teenager wanting so badly to win the heart of a particular young man and the title of being his girlfriend. Well, giving me that title was not on his agenda, but I couldn’t tell because of all the time we spent together. He would compliment me, take me out, show me physical affection, and even make promises of marrying me in the future. Of course those things had me on cloud nine. BUT when the subject of dating exclusively came up, he just wanted to be friends. I would plummet back down to earth with those words. For several years he would say he desired to be in a relationship with me, but then he would never do anything about it. I hated the way I felt–rejected, confused, and not good enough. Just when I thought I was over him, here he was saying or doing something else to draw me back in emotionally once again. I finally had to decide to LET IT GO! I erased his number out of my phone to stop myself from calling him and let him know that I could not be his friend. It was hard letting go, but when I finally did, I felt peace. No longer would he dictate how I felt about myself. No longer was I going to ride this ride. I got off and have been the better since.

Remember this. “You can’t change others. You can only change yourself, but that will change how others respond to you.” This is a quote I have hanging in my office as a reminder that the only person I can change is myself. This so liberating because it frees me from other people’s inconsistent or inconsiderate actions. This is true for you too. When you try and try and try to change others who have their own will it is a tiring and in many cases a hopeless process. The change must begin in you because that’s where your power lies with the help of the Holy Spirit and the ultimate change agent–the Word of God. Greater is he that is in you than he that is in the world! (1 John 4:4) The greater one inside you is more than able to keep you emotionally sober and in control. He is able to give you the strength to refrain from going back into situations that keep causing you pain and frustration. You can either own the depressing feelings running high in your flesh because of the decisions of others or you can reject them, realize that you are too smart to ride that ride, and ensure your emotional stability. The choice is yours!

No comments Posted in Dating, Relationship with Others, Uncategorized

What’s the Harm in Helping?

Posted on May 2, 2016 by

black-man-confusedThis past week I learned an important lesson that might have saved my marriage from some unnecessary stress. The lesson was that sometimes being helpful can cause more harm than good.

I had just dropped my son off at the babysitter’s house on my way to work and was headed out the door when he started whining. I figured he was hungry because I skipped his usual early morning feeding in the interest of time, knowing that he would be fed when he got there. Well, his grandmother and babysitter was preoccupied at the moment he began to whine, and I couldn’t just leave him like that (I know veteran moms would disagree). So I had a decision to make. I knew that I didn’t have much time to spare so my goal was to just tie him over until she could tend to him. I also figured that I would make it in time as long as I didn’t stop for my morning coffee on the way. I was torn because I wanted to do both. Surely taking care of my son was more important than coffee though, right?

Now let me just pause right here and say that coffee has become a close friend of mine since I became a mother. The night feedings, which result in broken sleep patterns and much tiredness throughout the day, introduced us to each other and I look forward to our daily meetings. Even though I stayed just long enough to momentarily satisfy my son, I still wanted my daily indulgence. So as I drove off, I figured out how I could still get my coffee by using a life line. I would phone a friend/coworker to pick it up for me.

I made the call, well actually I sent the text. I asked a male coworker if he would mind swinging by the Corner Pantry to pick up a cup of the warm and sweet energizer for me and I would pay him for it when he arrived. Being the nice guy that he, is he said it was fine even though he was planning to work in a different location that particular day. The Holy Spirit began to object to this kind gesture through an unction I felt immediately in my spirit.

It’s not right to ask him to come out of his way just to bring you some coffee, He offered.

My flesh answered back. “But he said doesn’t mind,” I thought out loud. “Besides, there’s no harm in a friend doing a friend a favor. AND I’m going to pay him back.”

But what would your husband say if he knew about it? And how would you feel if a woman went out of her way to bring him coffee? He reasoned with me.

That thing made me go hmmm. I really wanted that coffee, but I knew I wouldn’t like it if the tables were turned and deep down I felt like my hubby wouldn’t either. I put my flesh under and canceled the coffee.

Afterwards I called Russell to share what almost happened and the Holy Spirit’s leading was precisely right, not surprisingly. He in fact did not like the idea of another man, friend or not, doing me special favors, especially not for something as trifling as a cup of coffee. Now that I think about it that kind of reminds me of Esau, who sold his birthright (right to receive his father’s inheritance as the eldest son) for a bowl of soup (a temporary gratification to his flesh). How does this relate? Basically, had I insisted on making provision for my flesh and disregarded both the wisdom of the Holy Spirit and my husband’s feelings, I would be compromising the blessing and integrity of my marriage. I could have also caused harm in another area as well.

Mine and my coworker’s Christian character and the nature of our relationship, although very aboveboard, could come into question if others became aware of this favor. You know how folks do. They smile as if everything is all good, but on the inside or in the company of others they’re really making accusations and assumptions about you. Why give them a reason to do it? The Bible does teach us to abstain from all appearances of evil (1 Thessalonians 5:22) and to not let our good be evil spoken of (Romans 14:16) for that reason. I didn’t want that for either of us.

Here are some points to consider as you and I endeavor to cultivate our godly marriages.

  1. Maintain proper boundaries when dealing with members of the opposite sex outside of you marriage. You have to think about more than just yourself here because it’s not about YOU anymore. It’s about Y’ALL. Rule of thumb…if any of your friendly relationships make your spouse uncomfortable then those relationships need tweaking. Your spouse should feel 100% secure about your friendships because you’ve given them every reason to feel secure with open and honest communication. You cannot control the actions or feelings of another person, but you most certainly can control your response to them especially if they are inappropriate. Make it absolutely positively clear that you love and respect your spouse and will not tolerate inappropriate behavior from them. If they don’t heed your words, you know what to do next. Abandon the friendship. You can always find new friends. The goal is to keep the spouse you have and keep him/her happy.
  2. Consult your spouse before making commitments to others, even if it is to help them in some way. Sometimes our friends ask us to do favors for them and in many cases these requests stem from legitimate needs. It’s fine to do them if they don’t interfere with what’s going on in your own home. To prevent confusion or resentment between you and your mate simply run these favors by him/her before you accept. It shows that you value them enough to consider how your decisions affect them (and they do because you are one). They may have already made plans for the family, and you don’t want to put your spouse on the back burner for a friend unless they agree to it. Remember, your number one priority and commitment is to your spouse, even if that means turning down a friend occasionally. As they say, “They’ll be aight!” If the friend cannot understand this, then they may not be a true friend anyway.

I am very fortunate that my husband is not the jealous, insecure type and I want to do all I can to keep it that way. So from now on I’ll be sure to make the most helpful choice and get my own coffee. 🙂

Now it’s your turn to respond. What are some other ways that our attempts to be helpful in our homes and families or to let someone else help us can cause harm to our relationships instead?

No comments Posted in Marriage, Relationship with Others, Uncategorized

Their Love. Our Love. His Love

Posted on April 24, 2016 by

Ok so I’m doing something different for Manifest Monday this week. I’ve invited guest blogger Esther Gaines, an awesome woman of God and host of 2aiming3arrows.com, to share some of her insight about aiming our arrows (children and family) towards God. So enjoy, leave your comments for her, and check out her website as well. Thanks, Esther, for your contribution!

Growing up, I don’t remember oEsther's blog picur family being very physically or verbally affectionate. As a mother now, it’s something I’m very intentional about doing. Even though it initially felt awkward (and still does sometimes), I push past how I feel and give them what I know they need. However, God has been showing me that I’m still lacking love in very simple interactions I have with my sons. I’ll tell my oldest “Good job!” on his cursive writing, but it’s AFTER I’ve pointed out two areas he can improve. I’ll tell our middle son “Awesome!” for picking up his toys without being asked AFTER I’ve pointed out the two Legos he missed. And RIGHT AFTER I say these things, God whispers to me “Esther… why?? Yeah, you’re saying it, but it’s a little backwards.” I DON’T KNOW, GOD! IT JUST CAME OUT THAT WAY! With all of this, when I just out-right fail to notice the good they do, I will inevitably find our oldest son going ABOVE AND BEYOND to help me with his baby brother or things around the house. He will also ask me to look at EVERY single flip or shot he makes. Our younger son will also ask me to look at EVERY SINGLE drawing he makes and Lego airplane he has designed. Show-N-Tell doesn’t have to be put on the calendar in these times; it will occur every 5 -10 minutes. And I think I know why…

My sons are deeply desiring my genuine attention. They want to know, by my responses AND actions, I care about what they care about. That I “see them” and will simply invite them into my whole heart’s world as much as they invite me into theirs.

They, as little boys, are just like us.

We were created to love AND be loved, specifically by God. So, how does this happen? How do we know love?

Our knowledge or how we “know” love is, by default, based on how we were loved by our parents or caretakers. Children whose parents/caretakers were physically affectionate, spoke many “I love yous”, or were shown adequate attention tend to become the same as parents. Children who experience the opposite or minimal exposure to such behaviors tend to operate in the same manner as parents too. What’s so fascinating about this is how it relates to not only our children but also the relationships we have in our lifetime. I see this in my own life, so maybe I’m the only one 😉

Based on how we were raised or how we have come to understand love, we often walk out the same patterns & ideas of love with our spouse, our children, our relatives, our friends, our church community members, our co-workers, etc. We will love them the same way we were loved and/or how we came to understand love.

We may love others deeply or we may love them distantly.

We may love others through their errors because OUR parents/caretakers loved us through our errors by surrounding their discipline of us with love.

We may love others UNTIL they do something wrong or something bad happens (or we wait and expect something bad to happen) because our parents/caretakers “seemed” to have loved us until we did something wrong or there was a divorce that happened (NOTE from self: the devil is a deceiver & often ALWAYS twists our emotions against facts unknown and known)

We may tolerate and not really love others because it seems our parents/caretakers “tolerated” and didn’t really “love” us.

We may even find ourselves loving people by doing things for them in hopes they will reciprocate the attention and concern we’re longing for or encouragement we need to hear (Rejection  Longing  Alternative means for attention)

Like I said, I truly believe and know from my own experience that we will often love others the same way we were loved and/or how we came to understand love… unless we are shown otherwise. Unless we are shown THE epitome of love. GOD in Christ Jesus because… He IS love. I John 4:8

Love which is present and deeper than our hearts.

Love that pursues us in our times of error and discipline.

Love that endures with us when the bad happens.

Love that doesn’t tolerate our mess but still chases us with honesty so we can be free.

Love which requires no work of ours to earn.

When we encounter this love and more from God, the way our parents/caretakers did or did not love us will be overshadowed by how much God loves and desires us, enabling our lives to be satisfied completely by Him. As we learn this, we MUST apply it to our hearts, forgive and share this great love by loving others the way GOD calls us to love, not by our own standards and tainted emotions.

“Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation (appeasement) for our sins.  Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us.” I John 4:8-12

My sons were and still are deeply desiring my genuine attention. They want to know I “see them” and will invite them into my world as much as they invite me into theirs. As a mother, I must give my heart fully to God and receive HIS love so I can love them as much as He does.

But I’ll fail and never be able to love them as much as God does. That’s why, above all else, I have to aim my little boy arrows (and others) towards God in Christ Jesus. I pray daily they encounter and KNOW the love of their Heavenly Father whose love is flawless, unrelenting and ever-present because, at the end of the day, I will never be able to love them in ways that fulfill their needs and be shared righteously towards others.

However, GOD and His love ALWAYS will.

Psalm 127:gaines_photoshoot2015_24 says, “Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one’s youth.” This verse changed Esther’s life as a mother, so she started blogging in 2014 to share the easy and challenging lessons of aiming God’s arrows in His direction.

Since her first job at 14 years old as an after-school care leader, a youth ministry leader in her 20s as well as a licensed middle school Language Arts teacher, one would think raising and aiming arrows was in Esther’s DNA – something she was naturally able to do. However, she has found that God knows us better than we know ourselves, knows exactly what we need to humble us and knows how to keep us at His feet. For her, it was not about the experience she had with children; it was coming to grips with the realities of motherhood. With seven years of marriage beginning as a newly-wed mom to now homeschooling two of three boys, Esther finds comedy in how God teaches her lessons through her sons, guides her with His word and grants her patience & mercy through His presence.

“As I blog about the lessons God is teaching me, it is my hope another mom or parent can be encouraged, laugh out loud and find the same strength I’ve found through my very ‘ugly-honest’ relationship with Jesus. Maybe I get put in awkward mommy situations because of my stubbornness and pride. Maybe it is to make an example out of me. Whatever the reason, I’m becoming grateful and trusting of God through my failures, praying other parents will do the same.”

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