Archive for Dating

How Long is Too Long to Date? Part 3

Posted on November 20, 2014 by
the one

Selah. Pause and calmly think about that.

Good day, folks!  It’s time to continue exploring reasons why some couples put wedding plans off into the distant future.  I hope you are having as much fun reading this as I am having writing it.

Myth # 3:  I’m need proof that he/she is “THE ONE.”

I totally understand the importance of being confident in your choice for a spouse.  Marriage isn’t something to be entered into lightly, and you should get to know the person you are dating.  But here’s the kicker…you will never know all there is to know about a person just by dating them. As much as people say they are keeping it real while dating, for the most part they are still putting their best faces forward. There are certain things that you can only learn through a marriage relationship. Now wait a minute.  I feel the need to restate that I am addressing Christians who have a desire to do things God’s way.  Therefore, shacking and common law situations are NOT an option for those individuals, according to God’s holy ordinances. At some point you’ve got to believe that the information you’ve gathered through dating is enough and trust God with the rest.

Now for those who need proof that you are with the right one, my question to you is what kind of sign are you waiting for after years and years of dating? Are you waiting for a supernatural experience from God like a dream, a prophesy, or a burning bush experience? Are you waiting on a certain feeling or emotion to just overtake you? Are you waiting for the things you don’t like about the person to change? Are you waiting on a particular person you’ve been hiding in your back pocket to make a move so you know what your next one should be?  Let me share this bit of wisdom with you.  First, God does not always speak through dreams or prophecies.  Actually, He most often speaks through His Word and through your spirit in the form of a “knowing” and a still small voice that you have to be sensitive enough spiritually to perceive. Second, I wouldn’t put too much stock in feelings because they change, and because “the heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?” (Jeremiah 17:9) It’s not safe to base your life decisions on a false witness. Also, faith and feelings don’t line up. We are instructed to walk by faith, not by sight or our senses (2 Corinthians 5:7). It takes faith to marry and stay married, no matter who you choose. Thirdly, what you see is what you get.  Expecting a person to change for you is futile. Change can only occur with the aid of the Holy Ghost, but a person has to want the change.  You wanting it for them is not enough. Fourth, if you have a backup plan that includes another person in case things with your current relationship don’t pan out, your motives were wrong to begin with.  It is impossible to build a loving relationship if your heart isn’t all in.  In either of those cases, you’ve got to figure out from whence cometh your indecision.

If it comes from a valid place where there are valid concerns that need addressing, that’s cool.  But what’s not cool is playing the string game with the person you are dating.  That’s the game where you string them along with their emotions dragging behind you while you decide what you want to do. I played this game once during my dating years, not because I was trying to be cruel but because I could not come to terms with my own conflicting emotions.  I didn’t want to lose out on a great person, but I also knew that I wasn’t as into him as he was into me.  It wasn’t fair for me to make him wait on me to make up my mind when he already knew what he wanted.  So once I realized what was happening, I put the relationship on hold until I could figure some things out. That much needed space helped me put things into perspective and allowed him the opportunity to find the love he really deserved with someone else. Am I saying that everyone should do this?  Not at all.  I am suggesting that if you have reservations about your relationship that you work on finding out why instead of continuing to date aimlessly.

IJS

What are your thoughts?  Challenges of thought are welcomed too. 🙂 By the way, be on the lookout for Part 4 in tomorrow’s post.

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How Long is Too Long to Date? Part 2

Posted on November 19, 2014 by

commitment-phobiaGood day, folks!  Let’s continue with this conversation on how long a Christian should date a person before getting married.  Yesterday I shared the first myth that prevents some couples from tying the knot sooner rather than later or sometimes never.  Today I will share the second.

Myth # 2:  I can’t be with the same man/woman for the rest of my  life.

This sounds like a fear of commitment, and you did not inherit that trait from your Heavenly Father.  He (father, son, and holy ghost) is the perfect example of true commitment.  He is so committed to you that He gave His only son to die for you so that you could be saved.  He is so committed to you that He loves you through everything–the good, the bad, and the ugly.  He is even so committed to you that he promised to never leave you nor forsake you.  That’s commitment at its finest. On top of that, He’s not given you the spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7).

But I do know who the commitment phobia is coming from.  Satan.  He is the one who couldn’t be committed to righteousness since the beginning and the one who introduced that ungodly mindset to the world for the purpose of getting others to join him. The reason he got kicked out of heaven was because his pride got the best of him.  He turned against God, and refused to follow. That’s commitment at its worst. Then he showed up in the Garden of Eden to test Adam and Eve’s commitment to God, and unfortunately his trickery worked.  They failed the commitment test because of Satan’s lies.  Even today, he’s deceiving believers of Christ to think that it’s too hard or not worth it to commit their lives to God when there are so many others things they could be doing to satisfy the cravings of the flesh.  Beloved, do not be fooled by Satan’s gimmicks and do not join his bandwagon by believing that you can’t commit to one spouse until death do you part.  You can do all things through Christ who gives you the strength you need (Philippians 4:13).  You can live holy and be satisfied with one person in every way.  Jesus Christ and His grace make it possible to do. You may have been hesitant to make a commitment to live for Christ before you got saved because of a fear of failure, but now that you are saved do you regret it? Do you feel as if eternity is too long a time to commit to Him?  If you know anything about Him, I’m quite sure you want to be in this relationship for the long haul because it is so good.

And so is marriage.  Everything God made is good.  We just have to maintain it in order to continue enjoying the blessings of it. Of course a marriage relationship (heck, any relationship) can get stale if you allow it to.  So if you are worried that the flame will die down with time, be aware that it is your responsibility to add more wood to the fire; to put more coals on the grill; to put more kerosene in the heater (you see where I’m going with this).  If you are worried that somehow you will not be able to keep your marriage vows past the seven year itch, be aware that help is available to you if you would only ask.

“We don’t have a priest who is out of touch with our reality.  He’s been through weakness and testing, experienced it all–all but the sin. So let’s walk right up to him and get what he is so ready to give. Take the mercy, accept the help” (Hebrews 4:15-16 Message).  

IJS

What are your thoughts?  Feel free to offer more myths about marriage that need debunking (I love that word.)  And be on the lookout for myth # 3 in tomorrow’s post.

***For more tips on keeping things spicy in your marriage check out www.patchingcracks.com.

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How Long is Too Long to Date? Part 1

Posted on November 18, 2014 by

dating-tips-1You’ve heard people say it before and you’ve probably said it yourself a time or two. “What are they waiting on to get married?” It happens.  You see a couple who have been together for a while who look happy and are in a reasonably good position to be married (ie. age, maturity, and resources) you can’t help but to wonder, why the delay.  Truthfully, it’s really none of our business when the nuptials will occur, but it does lead one, (particularly me) to ask, what is a reasonable amount of time for a Christian to spend dating before the I-do’s are exchanged? I’ve heard of people dating for five and ten years before, and I always find it hard to wrap my head around spending that amount of time with someone without a solid commitment.  Again, I’m talking about two Christian people whose lives are committed to serving Christ and want to do things His way. Even the most devout believer will have to deal with their flesh wanting to rebel at some point when things are dragged on for too long (unless you live on opposite ends of the planet) or are not physically attracted to each other (in which case, why be in the relationship?)  Sure, they can overcome those temptations, but is it wise for them to put themselves through that pressure when there’s really no need to?  I realized this when I was planning my wedding and deciding on a date. I had chosen a date already, but was asked to push the date back a few months to accommodate some of my guests. I wanted them to be there, but I wanted to please God more. I knew that the longer I waited the harder “waiting” would be.  So I decided not to take that chance since there really was no need to. I do not have any definitive answers to the question posed in my title, but what I want to explore here in this series of posts are a few of the reasons some couples decide to extend the dating experience maybe a little longer then necessary, which I call dating myths, and debunk them with some good Biblical wisdom and real-life experience.

Myth #1: I don’t have enough money to get married.

This may also be stated as “I have to achieve a certain level of success financially before I get married.”  Granted, having a surplus of money is very helpful when it comes to starting a life together, but it is not a prerequisite to a successful marriage.  I know because I consider my marriage to be a success, and there was no nest egg set aside for either of us. We have been climbing the ladder of success and financial prosperity together.  We did have to deal with this particular myth though.  My then boyfriend, Russell, thought he needed to have more money before he proposed to me, but he admitted to me that every time he tried to save money toward our future life together, something would “come up”. And I’d venture to say that things would continue to “come up” just to delay things even longer.  Preparation is important, but I don’t believe that you will ever be 100% prepared for all the responsibilities of marriage, especially if you’ve never been married.  More importantly, when your goal is to do things God’s way, your adversary the devil, whose job it is to steal, kill, and destroy, will do everything he can to steal your peace, kill your faith, and destroy your holy testimony (John 10:10). Want to know how God proved this myth to be false for us?  Well, once Russell moved in faith and proposed to me, the favor started pouring in.  We were able to plan an entire wedding, reception, and honeymoon in four short months with no financial burden because everything was paid for in full with money left over. That’s right. God’s promise was applied to our wedding plans. “The blessing of the Lord, it maketh rich, and he addeth no sorrow with it” (Proverbs 10:22 KJV) And He will do the same for you if you step out on faith and refuse to let your savings be your excuse.

IJS

Let me know your thoughts, and be on the lookout for dating myth # 2 in my next post.

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