On yesterday’s edition of Dating the Kingdom Way: The Marriage Series Russell and I discussed “Couples and Conflict.” Nobody likes conflict (well most people don’t), but it’s an inevitable part of any relationship, romantic or otherwise. So we shared what we believe to be the best top six cures for conquering conflict in a marriage. Everybody has or will deal with conflict at some point in your relationship, so this post is for you. Enjoy!

 1. Keep God and prayer before you and in the midst of you. It’s so important to have a couples/family devotion time and an individual devotion time with the Lord. Those times together remind you that God is at the helm of y

our home and the center of your relationship. He is the glue that holds you two together and the healing balm that heals every dis-ease, so you have to make sure that the glue and balm are properly applied at all times and especially in moments of conflict. (Mark 1:34)

2. Know Who Your Enemy Is. Your spouse is not your enemy, Satan is and He is after the good thing that you have in your marriage, which was ordained by God. Remember that the enemy comes to steal, to kill, and to destroy, and your marriage is not exempt from his plan. He will do all he can to disrupt the pe

ace you have by exploiting the conflict you are having. Knowing at whom to aim your daggers (spiritual weapons) will make your fighting together more effective. (John 10:10, Ephesians

4.  Have Reasonable Expectations. Sometimes conflict comes from unreasonable expectations. Don’t get me wrong. We should have expectations for our spouses based on what the Bible instructs us to do as husband and wife, but not expectations based on what somebody else’s spouse does. When we start comparing our spouses to other people’s spouses it causes us to be frustrated and bitter about those unmet expectations and can cause our spouses to be resentful because they are not being appreciated for who they are–the person you married. Also, don’t forget to have expectations for yourself based on the Word. Focus on doing your part in the marriage and less on what your spouse isn’t doing. (Ephesians 5:22-31)

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3. Surrender Your Right to Be Right. You both can’t always be right, no matter how hard you try, so make keeping the peace in your home the goal and not trying to be right. Sometimes even if you are right, you should submit to each other in order to keep the peace. That requires a denial of self, but since the two are one anyway it’s really about what’s best for family unit as a whole, not the individual parts who make up the family. (Ephesians 5:21)

5. Learn Your Spouse. Take the time to learn what your spouse likes and dislikes, so you can better please them. Continuing to do what you want to do despite what your spouse wants is definitely a seed bed for conflict. As a married couple we are expected to please each other. You’ve got to know what they like in order to please them. The time you spend now will save you some turmoil in the future. (1 Peter 3:7)

6. Tame Your Tongue. For goodness sake, keep angry words from coming out of your mouth. That may mean saying nothing at all until you’ve calmed down. It’s okay to be angry. It’s a normal, God-given, emotion, but it’s not okay to sin because you are angry. Cursing your spouse out may feel good, but it only adds fuel to the fire. Instead choose words that make for peace or like I said before choose a moment of silence for the time being. (Ephesians 4:26-27)

Conflict is inevitable, but combat is optional. We choose how we are going to handle the tough situations that arise in our marriages. Putting God first and realizing who is behind the conflict that you are experiencing will help you take the proper course of action so that you can withstand the tests. You have got to fight for your marriage, not against it with hurtful words and actions. If you do happen to be influenced to do those things, be quick to repent and cultivate the peace again. See your marriage for what it is, a blessing and treat it as such with care and respect. When both people are on the same page working together with that same mindset, God will be in the midst doing something amazing in your union.

In relationships, conflict is inevitable. Therefore, it behooves the two people involved in the relationship to be ready when it happens. I believe that making positive, Word-inspired declarations over your relationship daily is key to being mentally and spiritually prepared when moments of conflict arise. Here are some words you can speak over your marriage, as I am speaking them over mine.

My marriage is purposeful.

My marriage is God-honoring.

My marriage is spiritually, emotionally, and physically fulfilling.

My marriage is edifying to us and others.

My marriage is a ministry.

My marriage is a powerful force against the Kingdom of darkness.

My marriage is Heaven sent.

My marriage is free of infidelity.

My marriage is unified.

My marriage is fortified by the Word of God.

My marriage is strong.

My marriage is until death do us part.

My marriage is a gift.

My marriage is a blessing.

My marriage is a positive example to others.

My marriage is supportive.

My marriage is a safe-haven.

My marriage is peaceful.

My marriage is fun and enjoyable.

My marriage is my priority.

What else can be added to this declaration regarding relationships?

I’m not proud of this, but it’s my truth. When I was dating Russell I drove in the middle of a snow storm to see him. Why did I do it? It was Friday night date night, and I had gotten used to seeing him every Friday without fail. No snow storm was going to get in the way of me seeing my man. He didn’t want to brave the weather to drive to my house like he usually did, so I went to him against all attempts of my mom and grandmother to reason with me about how foolish that decision was. If you’re dating or have ever dated someone seriously before, you know how it is. Your day is just not the same if you don’t hear from or see your boo thang. Those emotions are sho nuff a powerful!

Maybe the thing you cannot get through a day without is working out. I’ve been thre too. I’ve rolled out of bed at 4 am to hit the gym before work. I’ve hit play on my workout videos at midnight because the rest of my day was too hectic. Heck, I’ve brought my exercise clothes to work to do it before I got home from work because I knew that wife and mommy duties would interfere. Those endorphins are sho nuff powerful too! What’s my point? We make time and provision for the things we want to do. And we sacrifice comfort and convenience for the people we want to be around.

Why should time with the Father be any different?

You’re busy. I get it. So am I, but we should never be too busy to acknowledge the Lord in our daily lives. We should never get so comfortable that we think neglecting His presence is no big deal. Quite the contrary. It is the BIGGEST DEAL and absolutely necessary for our spiritual success. If you want to live your best life and experience the fullness of God daily, time in His presence is the prerequisite. Not because you have to earn God’s blessings because let’s be real-none of us can. But because Christ has already done the redemptive work to give you access to every promised blessing. Spending time with Him puts you in a position to receive them. It makes you keenly aware of what you are entitled to as a believer and gives you the strength to resist the adversary when he comes in trying to steal said blessings. That’s his MO. Your (our) MO should be to get your marching orders from above each and every day because each day brings with it a new challenge for which you need to be prepared and strengthened.

The alternative is so beneath you, woman of God. (I’m talking to myself too.)

Have you ever seen a Christian living beneath their God-given privilege and who seems to be hopeless and powerless like their unsaved peers? You were most likely looking at someone whose spiritual account has been tapped out. And who stands in the wings of your life smiling with glee when all the drama hits you, causing you to react outside of your Christian character? Why satan does. He knows (better than many believers unfortunately) that peace, prosperity, and blessings are your birthright as a child of God. But what you need to know is that defeat is not in your spiritual DNA, neither is lust, fear, or depression!

Don’t get me wrong. There is such a thing as suffering for righteousness sake and being persecuted even when you have been spending time with the Lord. But for someone whose spiritual tank has been filled by the Savior, their conversation will be a little different from one who is running on E. Instead of complaints, you will hear praise. Instead of defeat and woe is me, you will hear victory. Time with the Father indeed makes a difference. When you are spiritually empty desperation to fill the void with temporary pleasures kicks in, discontentment kicks in, bitterness kicks in, doubt kicks in. I’ve noticed in my own life when I was at my best spiritually, feeling like I could run through a troop and leap over a wall and when I wasn’t, second guessing myself and lacking confidence. The determining factor for each scenario was how much time I had or hadn’t spent with God. So my dear sister, let’s make time for what and who matters most. Let’s put the Lord back at the throne of our lives like we did when we first met and fell in love with Him. He’s still the same and able to fulfill us like no one or no thing can.

Now what about you? Have you seen a difference in yourself when you’ve been in God’s presence and when you haven’t?