Tag Archive for advice

Get Off the Emotional Roller Coaster

Posted on May 15, 2016 by

emotional roller coasterThe older I get the more I dislike roller coasters.

They take you way up high and bring you way down low so fast they leave your head spinning. And no matter how loud you scream, you can’t do a thing about it. For some, its a thrilling experience, but for me its just a headache.

I remember going to the fair one year and riding the Gravitron, the spinning space ship ride. Although it isn’t exactly a roller coaster, it still had a similar effect on me. It looked fun and everyone who rode it ahead of me seemed to enjoy it. Boy was I sorry afterwards. I was so dizzy when it ended that I couldn’t do anything else the rest of the night. All I wanted to do was lie down, close my eyes, and hope I didn’t lose the funnel cake I had eaten earlier. What was supposed to be an enjoyable time ended up being a horrible one that I will never do again. Why would I, knowing how it made me feel? Which leads me to my point. Emotional roller coasters are your choice to ride, but if you don’t like how they make you feel get off and stop riding it.

Let’s apply this to life’s challenges. An emotional roller coaster is a situation that takes you up into euphoria one moment and leaves you down in the dumps the next. And as if that sudden crash wasn’t enough it takes you back on top of the world again only to take you so low that it feels like the world is on top of you. That love interest who keeps stringing you along with mixed signals; that family member who promises to do right but keeps making wrong choices; that annoying coworker who you hate to see come and love to see go are a few examples of emotional roller coasters. These spikes in emotion are no good for you or me, and it’s emotionally harmful to subject ourselves to them. Sure, bad things happen and in many cases are uncontrollable, but there is something we can control…how we respond to them both physically and emotionally.

In the past week I’ve been reminded about the difference between a thermostat and a thermometer as they relate to life on three different occasions. So I figure it must be an important lesson for me right now. A person who is like a thermometer only reflects what is going on around them. If something hurtful happens to them, they feel and wallow in that hurt or respond with another hurtful action. A person who is like a thermostat makes the necessary adjustments to the things going on around them. If that same hurtful thing happens, they feel the hurt too, but they choose not to allow that situation to get them down and they refuse to respond with hurt. Their mentality is this…Yes, it may hurt but you won’t get the benefit of knowing it. It may hit me like a ton of bricks, but instead of getting buried in those bricks I’m building something bigger and better out of them!

I rode an emotional roller coaster once. I was a young and naive teenager wanting so badly to win the heart of a particular young man and the title of being his girlfriend. Well, giving me that title was not on his agenda, but I couldn’t tell because of all the time we spent together. He would compliment me, take me out, show me physical affection, and even make promises of marrying me in the future. Of course those things had me on cloud nine. BUT when the subject of dating exclusively came up, he just wanted to be friends. I would plummet back down to earth with those words. For several years he would say he desired to be in a relationship with me, but then he would never do anything about it. I hated the way I felt–rejected, confused, and not good enough. Just when I thought I was over him, here he was saying or doing something else to draw me back in emotionally once again. I finally had to decide to LET IT GO! I erased his number out of my phone to stop myself from calling him and let him know that I could not be his friend. It was hard letting go, but when I finally did, I felt peace. No longer would he dictate how I felt about myself. No longer was I going to ride this ride. I got off and have been the better since.

Remember this. “You can’t change others. You can only change yourself, but that will change how others respond to you.” This is a quote I have hanging in my office as a reminder that the only person I can change is myself. This so liberating because it frees me from other people’s inconsistent or inconsiderate actions. This is true for you too. When you try and try and try to change others who have their own will it is a tiring and in many cases a hopeless process. The change must begin in you because that’s where your power lies with the help of the Holy Spirit and the ultimate change agent–the Word of God. Greater is he that is in you than he that is in the world! (1 John 4:4) The greater one inside you is more than able to keep you emotionally sober and in control. He is able to give you the strength to refrain from going back into situations that keep causing you pain and frustration. You can either own the depressing feelings running high in your flesh because of the decisions of others or you can reject them, realize that you are too smart to ride that ride, and ensure your emotional stability. The choice is yours!

No comments Posted in Dating, Relationship with Others, Uncategorized

What’s the Harm in Helping?

Posted on May 2, 2016 by

black-man-confusedThis past week I learned an important lesson that might have saved my marriage from some unnecessary stress. The lesson was that sometimes being helpful can cause more harm than good.

I had just dropped my son off at the babysitter’s house on my way to work and was headed out the door when he started whining. I figured he was hungry because I skipped his usual early morning feeding in the interest of time, knowing that he would be fed when he got there. Well, his grandmother and babysitter was preoccupied at the moment he began to whine, and I couldn’t just leave him like that (I know veteran moms would disagree). So I had a decision to make. I knew that I didn’t have much time to spare so my goal was to just tie him over until she could tend to him. I also figured that I would make it in time as long as I didn’t stop for my morning coffee on the way. I was torn because I wanted to do both. Surely taking care of my son was more important than coffee though, right?

Now let me just pause right here and say that coffee has become a close friend of mine since I became a mother. The night feedings, which result in broken sleep patterns and much tiredness throughout the day, introduced us to each other and I look forward to our daily meetings. Even though I stayed just long enough to momentarily satisfy my son, I still wanted my daily indulgence. So as I drove off, I figured out how I could still get my coffee by using a life line. I would phone a friend/coworker to pick it up for me.

I made the call, well actually I sent the text. I asked a male coworker if he would mind swinging by the Corner Pantry to pick up a cup of the warm and sweet energizer for me and I would pay him for it when he arrived. Being the nice guy that he, is he said it was fine even though he was planning to work in a different location that particular day. The Holy Spirit began to object to this kind gesture through an unction I felt immediately in my spirit.

It’s not right to ask him to come out of his way just to bring you some coffee, He offered.

My flesh answered back. “But he said doesn’t mind,” I thought out loud. “Besides, there’s no harm in a friend doing a friend a favor. AND I’m going to pay him back.”

But what would your husband say if he knew about it? And how would you feel if a woman went out of her way to bring him coffee? He reasoned with me.

That thing made me go hmmm. I really wanted that coffee, but I knew I wouldn’t like it if the tables were turned and deep down I felt like my hubby wouldn’t either. I put my flesh under and canceled the coffee.

Afterwards I called Russell to share what almost happened and the Holy Spirit’s leading was precisely right, not surprisingly. He in fact did not like the idea of another man, friend or not, doing me special favors, especially not for something as trifling as a cup of coffee. Now that I think about it that kind of reminds me of Esau, who sold his birthright (right to receive his father’s inheritance as the eldest son) for a bowl of soup (a temporary gratification to his flesh). How does this relate? Basically, had I insisted on making provision for my flesh and disregarded both the wisdom of the Holy Spirit and my husband’s feelings, I would be compromising the blessing and integrity of my marriage. I could have also caused harm in another area as well.

Mine and my coworker’s Christian character and the nature of our relationship, although very aboveboard, could come into question if others became aware of this favor. You know how folks do. They smile as if everything is all good, but on the inside or in the company of others they’re really making accusations and assumptions about you. Why give them a reason to do it? The Bible does teach us to abstain from all appearances of evil (1 Thessalonians 5:22) and to not let our good be evil spoken of (Romans 14:16) for that reason. I didn’t want that for either of us.

Here are some points to consider as you and I endeavor to cultivate our godly marriages.

  1. Maintain proper boundaries when dealing with members of the opposite sex outside of you marriage. You have to think about more than just yourself here because it’s not about YOU anymore. It’s about Y’ALL. Rule of thumb…if any of your friendly relationships make your spouse uncomfortable then those relationships need tweaking. Your spouse should feel 100% secure about your friendships because you’ve given them every reason to feel secure with open and honest communication. You cannot control the actions or feelings of another person, but you most certainly can control your response to them especially if they are inappropriate. Make it absolutely positively clear that you love and respect your spouse and will not tolerate inappropriate behavior from them. If they don’t heed your words, you know what to do next. Abandon the friendship. You can always find new friends. The goal is to keep the spouse you have and keep him/her happy.
  2. Consult your spouse before making commitments to others, even if it is to help them in some way. Sometimes our friends ask us to do favors for them and in many cases these requests stem from legitimate needs. It’s fine to do them if they don’t interfere with what’s going on in your own home. To prevent confusion or resentment between you and your mate simply run these favors by him/her before you accept. It shows that you value them enough to consider how your decisions affect them (and they do because you are one). They may have already made plans for the family, and you don’t want to put your spouse on the back burner for a friend unless they agree to it. Remember, your number one priority and commitment is to your spouse, even if that means turning down a friend occasionally. As they say, “They’ll be aight!” If the friend cannot understand this, then they may not be a true friend anyway.

I am very fortunate that my husband is not the jealous, insecure type and I want to do all I can to keep it that way. So from now on I’ll be sure to make the most helpful choice and get my own coffee. 🙂

Now it’s your turn to respond. What are some other ways that our attempts to be helpful in our homes and families or to let someone else help us can cause harm to our relationships instead?

No comments Posted in Marriage, Relationship with Others, Uncategorized

To Find or To Be Found?–That is the Question

Posted on March 30, 2015 by

wifeIs finding a mate just on “The Man”, and does that mean it’s improper for a single woman to let a man know she’s interested? This was the question posed on the Single and Saved Radio Show recently, and here’s my response.

The scripture in question on this day’s talk was Proverbs 18:22, which says,

“Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the Lord.”

I can see how a woman would think that this scripture renders her passive and powerless in this whole dating process. It puts me in the mind of a scene in a romance novel where an unsuspecting woman sitting in a restaurant just minding her own business is being admired from afar by a guy searching for love. Then in the midst of his gaze their eyes meet. Flirty smiles and glances are exchanged, and then the guy makes his way over to her and says something charming like, “What is a beautiful woman like yourself doing sitting here all alone?” From there the rest is history. That’s the fantasy most women wish would happen, but I don’t think that’s the rule. And it’s definitely not how my love story began.

The way my husband and I met may not have fairy tale status, but I still believe that what we have is one of a kind. This may sound crazy, but my husband did not have me to think about before we met, not because he didn’t find me attractive, but because he didn’t want to be known as “that guy” who dated all the women in the church. So, I was actually interested in him first. But let me be clear on this. I DID NOT PURSUE HIM! All I did was express indirect interest in him, and he took it from there. Here’s how.

Russell had been going to my church for years, but I nor anybody else knew much about him because he only came on Sundays and vanished immediately after service was over. He never parlayed to enjoy the fellowship or to get to know anyone. Come to find out, he worked nights and a swing shift on top of that, which was why he never made it to Bible Study and why he didn’t have much time to hang around. Well, after some time I noticed that he was coming to church more often. He showed up at Bible study, Friday night services, and even a few events on Saturdays. Something had obviously changed, and it had. His job schedule shifted, which allowed him more time for ministry. Now, I wouldn’t say that I was attracted to him at the time, but I was now aware of his presence.

But that changed one fateful Friday night. I was singing with the praise and worship team when all of a sudden this guy walked in church with a fresh low hair cut, some jeans that fit quite nicely, and a t-shirt revealing some pretty chiseled arms. Honestly speaking, it took me straight out of worship. Is that Brother Whitaker? I asked myself, totally losing focus of the song. (Forgive me, Lord!) You see before this particular night, Russell sported an afro (which I wasn’t too fond of), and the only clothes I had ever seen him in were suits that hid his physique. Needless to say, this was a very pleasant surprise. Yet, I still maintained my distance.

A few weeks later, I had the pleasure of hearing him speak in tongues and genuinely praise God before others in a worship service. Okay, at that point I moved from noticing, to attraction, to intrigue. He’s faithful, fine, and filled? I thought. I wanted to know more, but I still maintained my distance. I thought long and hard about how I could get to know him without seeming too forward because I didn’t want to be seen as the type to chase a man. So, I prayed about it and I talked to the one person I knew could give me sound counsel on how to proceed, my Pastor. As soon as I mentioned wanting to get to know Russell, he thought it was a great idea! “But how do I get to know him without being so obvious?” I asked. I couldn’t believe what he said next.

“You just need someone to talk to him for you, and I’ll do it” he offered. My eyes shot back and forth, and my mouth dropped open in disbelief.

“Sir?” I asked, frightened and confused at the same time. “I’ll talk to him the next time I see him,” he said. “Don’t worry about it.”

The next few days felt like an eternity. I was so nervous because I didn’t know what he was going to say to him and more importantly I didn’t know what Russell’s reaction would be. The moment finally came, and I kind of hoped that my Pastor would forget what he said he would do, but he didn’t. When I saw the two of them talking I ran and hid. Can you imagine a 28-year-old woman hiding from a man? I’m slightly embarrassed to admit that was me, but it was. If you thought that first week felt like eternity, then the week following their “talk” felt like eternity to the 10th power. Sunday rolled around again, and I did at least muster up enough nerve to speak to Russell, but that was the extent of the conversation that day. I was a little disappointed because I figured he wasn’t interested in me, but I was also relieved because at least I knew where I stood and could stop wondering and move on. Little did I know, Russell was using that time to muster up enough courage to approach me. After church the next Sunday this is what I heard.

“Sister Bre, can I talk to you?” He must have been listening to Jodeci before church.

“Okay,” I said, trying to remain calm and bracing myself for a “I just want to be friends” conversation. We proceeded to walk into the parking lot for a little privacy.

“You seem to be a really nice person, and I’d like to get to know you better,” he continued. “Can I take you out sometime?” Did he just ask me out? I thought. This is not how I thought this was going to turn out. Pastor must have really made him think.

“I think we can make that happen,” I responded slow enough not to seem anxious yet fast enough to still show interest. From there, we exchanged numbers and talked on the phone several times before we actually went on out. Our first date was actually about 2 or 3 weeks later because of our busy schedules, but ever since that first date we’ve been inseparable.

So to be more explicit on the issue of whether or not it’s okay for a woman to let a man know that she’s interested, I would say that it is perfectly okay to show interest as long as she uses discretion and leaves it at that. Once that man sees that she is available and willing to entertain him, the ball is in his court. How he chooses to proceed is up to him. Just to reiterate, I don’t think it is cool for women to pursue men. I just think it’s acceptable to help a brother out with some subtle clues. Guys don’t like rejection either, so clues from you can reassure him that his efforts to pursue you won’t be met with resistance.

I want to leave you with this little tidbit I found while digging into Proverbs 18:22 more deeply. The meaning of the word “findeth” or matsa’ in the Hebrew language is to come forth to, appear or exist, to attain, to occur, to meet or be present, cause to find out, or cause to find occasion. That sounds to me like an introduction or opportunity and not necessarily a scavenger hunt. My pastor simply caused Russell to find out about me, and I was available to be found out about. Think about how Adam met Eve. He did not search for her. She was presented to him by God. There was his opportunity standing right before him. Even Ruth took advantage of an opportunity (as instructed by her mother-in-law, Naomi) to be in Boaz’s presence by gleaning in His fields. That was not a chance encounter or one that Boaz went searching for either. There she was right before his eyes. The rest was up to him. Now, ladies, I am not suggesting here that you use your most cunning feminine wiles to create these situations where you are always in a particular man’s face. That is border-line stalking. I am suggesting that you use wisdom given by the Lord and simply be attractive (but not slutty), available (but not easy), and obvious (but not a stalker). If you do that and above all else trust your Heavenly Father, He will ensure that the encounter you do have with the man He has chosen for you will be one to remember.

 

If you agree with me and even if you don’t, let me here your opinion in the comment section below. I’d love to hear thoughts from the single ladies and the stories from married ladies about how you and your husband met, so let’s chat.

 

 

 

No comments Posted in Dating
« Older Entries