This past week I learned an important lesson that might have saved my marriage from some unnecessary stress. The lesson was that sometimes being helpful can cause more harm than good.
I had just dropped my son off at the babysitter’s house on my way to work and was headed out the door when he started whining. I figured he was hungry because I skipped his usual early morning feeding in the interest of time, knowing that he would be fed when he got there. Well, his grandmother and babysitter was preoccupied at the moment he began to whine, and I couldn’t just leave him like that (I know veteran moms would disagree). So I had a decision to make. I knew that I didn’t have much time to spare so my goal was to just tie him over until she could tend to him. I also figured that I would make it in time as long as I didn’t stop for my morning coffee on the way. I was torn because I wanted to do both. Surely taking care of my son was more important than coffee though, right?
Now let me just pause right here and say that coffee has become a close friend of mine since I became a mother. The night feedings, which result in broken sleep patterns and much tiredness throughout the day, introduced us to each other and I look forward to our daily meetings. Even though I stayed just long enough to momentarily satisfy my son, I still wanted my daily indulgence. So as I drove off, I figured out how I could still get my coffee by using a life line. I would phone a friend/coworker to pick it up for me.
I made the call, well actually I sent the text. I asked a male coworker if he would mind swinging by the Corner Pantry to pick up a cup of the warm and sweet energizer for me and I would pay him for it when he arrived. Being the nice guy that he, is he said it was fine even though he was planning to work in a different location that particular day. The Holy Spirit began to object to this kind gesture through an unction I felt immediately in my spirit.
It’s not right to ask him to come out of his way just to bring you some coffee, He offered.
My flesh answered back. “But he said doesn’t mind,” I thought out loud. “Besides, there’s no harm in a friend doing a friend a favor. AND I’m going to pay him back.”
But what would your husband say if he knew about it? And how would you feel if a woman went out of her way to bring him coffee? He reasoned with me.
That thing made me go hmmm. I really wanted that coffee, but I knew I wouldn’t like it if the tables were turned and deep down I felt like my hubby wouldn’t either. I put my flesh under and canceled the coffee.
Afterwards I called Russell to share what almost happened and the Holy Spirit’s leading was precisely right, not surprisingly. He in fact did not like the idea of another man, friend or not, doing me special favors, especially not for something as trifling as a cup of coffee. Now that I think about it that kind of reminds me of Esau, who sold his birthright (right to receive his father’s inheritance as the eldest son) for a bowl of soup (a temporary gratification to his flesh). How does this relate? Basically, had I insisted on making provision for my flesh and disregarded both the wisdom of the Holy Spirit and my husband’s feelings, I would be compromising the blessing and integrity of my marriage. I could have also caused harm in another area as well.
Mine and my coworker’s Christian character and the nature of our relationship, although very aboveboard, could come into question if others became aware of this favor. You know how folks do. They smile as if everything is all good, but on the inside or in the company of others they’re really making accusations and assumptions about you. Why give them a reason to do it? The Bible does teach us to abstain from all appearances of evil (1 Thessalonians 5:22) and to not let our good be evil spoken of (Romans 14:16) for that reason. I didn’t want that for either of us.
Here are some points to consider as you and I endeavor to cultivate our godly marriages.
- Maintain proper boundaries when dealing with members of the opposite sex outside of you marriage. You have to think about more than just yourself here because it’s not about YOU anymore. It’s about Y’ALL. Rule of thumb…if any of your friendly relationships make your spouse uncomfortable then those relationships need tweaking. Your spouse should feel 100% secure about your friendships because you’ve given them every reason to feel secure with open and honest communication. You cannot control the actions or feelings of another person, but you most certainly can control your response to them especially if they are inappropriate. Make it absolutely positively clear that you love and respect your spouse and will not tolerate inappropriate behavior from them. If they don’t heed your words, you know what to do next. Abandon the friendship. You can always find new friends. The goal is to keep the spouse you have and keep him/her happy.
- Consult your spouse before making commitments to others, even if it is to help them in some way. Sometimes our friends ask us to do favors for them and in many cases these requests stem from legitimate needs. It’s fine to do them if they don’t interfere with what’s going on in your own home. To prevent confusion or resentment between you and your mate simply run these favors by him/her before you accept. It shows that you value them enough to consider how your decisions affect them (and they do because you are one). They may have already made plans for the family, and you don’t want to put your spouse on the back burner for a friend unless they agree to it. Remember, your number one priority and commitment is to your spouse, even if that means turning down a friend occasionally. As they say, “They’ll be aight!” If the friend cannot understand this, then they may not be a true friend anyway.
I am very fortunate that my husband is not the jealous, insecure type and I want to do all I can to keep it that way. So from now on I’ll be sure to make the most helpful choice and get my own coffee. 🙂
Now it’s your turn to respond. What are some other ways that our attempts to be helpful in our homes and families or to let someone else help us can cause harm to our relationships instead?
ur family being very physically or verbally affectionate. As a mother now, it’s something I’m very intentional about doing. Even though it initially felt awkward (and still does sometimes), I push past how I feel and give them what I know they need. However, God has been showing me that I’m still lacking love in very simple interactions I have with my sons. I’ll tell my oldest “Good job!” on his cursive writing, but it’s AFTER I’ve pointed out two areas he can improve. I’ll tell our middle son “Awesome!” for picking up his toys without being asked AFTER I’ve pointed out the two Legos he missed. And RIGHT AFTER I say these things, God whispers to me “Esther… why?? Yeah, you’re saying it, but it’s a little backwards.” I DON’T KNOW, GOD! IT JUST CAME OUT THAT WAY! With all of this, when I just out-right fail to notice the good they do, I will inevitably find our oldest son going ABOVE AND BEYOND to help me with his baby brother or things around the house. He will also ask me to look at EVERY single flip or shot he makes. Our younger son will also ask me to look at EVERY SINGLE drawing he makes and Lego airplane he has designed. Show-N-Tell doesn’t have to be put on the calendar in these times; it will occur every 5 -10 minutes. And I think I know why…
4 says, “Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one’s youth.” This verse changed Esther’s life as a mother, so she started blogging in 2014 to share the easy and challenging lessons of aiming God’s arrows in His direction.
A few weeks ago I facilitated my first Wait on God workshop at a church in Garner, North Carolina, and it was awesome! God showed up in our midst and blessed the people. He did exceeding abundantly above all that I thought and even asked for, and I felt confident in my future as a speaker. But the night before was a different story.
