Tag Archive for dating

Styled by Seduction or Sanctification?

Posted on July 28, 2017 by

I was once mistaken for a groupie back in the day. Hard to believe, right? I’m pretty conservative or modest in my appearance now, but as a young woman I intentionally wore outfits to draw attention from the opposite sex. That was until someone actually propositioned me for sex based on my appearance.

 

How dare he?! I was offended. I was appalled. Why would he think that I would give it up? Well, he was perverted in his thinking to make that assumption about me, but it wasn’t all on him. I suggested something to him with what I was or was not wearing. So today I ask the saints of God…what are your clothes saying to the people around you?

I know someone may be thinking, “Wait a minute now, don’t go messing with my clothes because ain’t nothing wrong with dressing sexy.”

True. There is nothing wrong with dressing sexy (revealing) in a setting that is meant to be sexy (ie. date night with the husband or in the privacy of your own home), but besides that we have to be mindful to keep it classy and sanctified. When I say sanctified I don’t mean skirts down to your ankles with turtlenecks in the summer. I mean dressing in a way that exudes godliness, not with the intent to enhance those lady lumps to the point of distraction for our brothers. (ie. boobs out, pants, dresses, and skirts so tight that nothing is left to the imagination.) I mean nothing.

Listen, I’m a skinny girl for the most part and I’ve been working out lately. The obliques are popping for sure, but do I wear mid-drift tops? No. Not because I can’t, but because I choose not to reveal my goodies to the world. That treat is for my husband’s eyes only. I know we love attention as women. Sure, it makes us feel good when a man compliments our figures, but we shouldn’t seek that kind of attention. Consider this quote from MatthiasMedia.com.

 

“Immodest dress, flirtatious glances and seductive body language designed to attract male attention are just as ungodly as the lustful thoughts they provoke. When I stop seeing men as potential suitors and start seeing them as brothers in Christ, I won’t resent restrictions like the need to dress modestly; love will transform the way I dress, act and speak.”

Instead of subconsciously provoking men to lust after us, let’s consciously provoke them to love and to good works. (Hebrews 10:24)

Have any of you besides me ever transformed your dress to align with your Christian morals and values?

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Protect Your Heart From Unavailable People

Posted on June 2, 2016 by

Today’s post isEmotionally Unavailable for single men and women. I ran across someone in this situation, so I thought I’d share my two cents in case someone else needs to hear it. I pray that it empowers you to protect a very vital and influential part of you–your heart.

Have you ever had something really important to tell someone and tried calling them, but got their voicemail? Instead of the familiar voice you were hoping to hear so you could get this urgent matter off your chest you hear this, “The person you are trying to reach is unavailable at this time.” Really?!!! It drives me bananas, especially if it’s my husband. What do I do? I keep calling and calling back, hoping that he will finally pick up, and the more I call the more frustrated I get. I begin to wonder, What could he possibly be doing that he can’t hear his phone ringing? I could be having a REAL emergency for all he knows. I’m really not, but the point is I need to talk. I’m feeling annoyed right now just thinking about it.

As frustrating as that might be, being involved with someone who is emotionally unavailable is ten times worst. I’ve been a victim of that too in the past, and I know how confusing and hurtful it can be. So in an effort to try and help a brother or a sister out I thought I’d share a few thoughts about how to handle it when you’re tempted to share your precious heart with an emotionally unavailable person.

First things first. What does it mean to be emotionally unavailable? Jesus dealt with and ministered about this type of person in Matthew 15:8 when He said, “This people draweth nigh unto me with their mouth, and honoureth me with their lips; but their heart is far from me.” He recognized that the scribes and Pharisees had heart issues. On the outside they looked like they were with the program, but inwardly they lacked a true connection to Him. If they were properly connected they would feel what he felt. If they were properly connected, what was important to him would have been important to them. If they were properly connected they would be going in the same direction, not pulling away from you. Based on that account, I believe this sums it up. An emotionally unavailable person is only partially invested in your relationship. They’re only there to get what they can get out of you, and everything done is on their own terms with little to no regard for your feelings. This type of person is all about looking the part, but not actually interested in being a constant in your life. Jesus wasn’t tolerating this type of treatment from those who were supposed to be on His team and you shouldn’t be either.

Next, you need to know what to look for in an emotionally unavailable person. I don’t have 16 signs as stated in the picture, but I do have about three that I think are tell tale. Like to hear them? Here they go.

Your love interest may be emotionally unavailable if…

  1. They tell you they already have a “friend”, which in translation means “I’m in a relationship that’s complicated.” Don’t complicate things any further by leaving yourself open as an option, especially if this is a friend that for some reason you can’t meet. Pay attention to the red flag that is a’waving.
  2. They never take you out on dates. I said NEVER. The only time you see them is if you visit them at their house or they visit yours. What do you mean we’re not going out? It’s my birthday. You will do better to take yourself out, Hun.
  3. They tell you a lot of wonderful things, but they never back it up with actions. They feel like as long as they talk a good game, no commitment is necessary. Well, maybe the relationship isn’t either.

Lastly, here’s how you can protect yourself from emotionally unavailable people should you ever meet them.

GUARD YOUR HEART!!! 

Above all else, guard your affections. For they influence everything else in your life. Proverbs 4:23

  1. Guard your heart by treading very lightly in the initial friendship stage. By any means necessary, don’t go in counting on having a serious relationship with this person in the future. I know this can be difficult, especially if this person seems to be all that you’ve prayed for. I get it. You feel that you are at the age and stage in life where you are ready to share your heart with that special someone, but WATCH AND WAIT. It’s for your good. We can waste so much time and have our emotions spinning out of control when we fantasize about a future with a currently aloof individual. It’s best to keep those expectations low. I’m not saying you should totally count them out as far as associates go, but if you can’t maintain neutral feelings for them as an associate, let it go. If it’s meant to be it will be without you having to force it.
  2. Since he or she is unavailable you should be also. Let the phone go to voicemail every now and then when they call. Turn down a visit occasionally even if you don’t have any plans. The last thing you want to do is make yourself available to someone who is not going to do the same for you. Don’t give too much of yourself, your time, or your innermost thoughts and feelings to them. Always keep it pretty light. Sharing too much with the wrong person can leave you very vulnerable and hurt in the end.
  3. And most importantly, set your affections on things above (of and relating to the Father) and not on things on the earth (an unavailable person). As the scripture says, if your affections are directed at someone or something, your decisions will follow suit.  So decide to keep your heart in the care of The One who is always available to you in every way–Jesus Christ. You can open yourself up to Him without fear, give Him your heart without reservation, and His love will protect you for eternity.

Now let’s talk. What are other ways to tell if someone is emotionally unavailable? What are other ways to protect ourselves from it?

No comments Posted in Dating, Relationship with Others

Get Off the Emotional Roller Coaster

Posted on May 15, 2016 by

emotional roller coasterThe older I get the more I dislike roller coasters.

They take you way up high and bring you way down low so fast they leave your head spinning. And no matter how loud you scream, you can’t do a thing about it. For some, its a thrilling experience, but for me its just a headache.

I remember going to the fair one year and riding the Gravitron, the spinning space ship ride. Although it isn’t exactly a roller coaster, it still had a similar effect on me. It looked fun and everyone who rode it ahead of me seemed to enjoy it. Boy was I sorry afterwards. I was so dizzy when it ended that I couldn’t do anything else the rest of the night. All I wanted to do was lie down, close my eyes, and hope I didn’t lose the funnel cake I had eaten earlier. What was supposed to be an enjoyable time ended up being a horrible one that I will never do again. Why would I, knowing how it made me feel? Which leads me to my point. Emotional roller coasters are your choice to ride, but if you don’t like how they make you feel get off and stop riding it.

Let’s apply this to life’s challenges. An emotional roller coaster is a situation that takes you up into euphoria one moment and leaves you down in the dumps the next. And as if that sudden crash wasn’t enough it takes you back on top of the world again only to take you so low that it feels like the world is on top of you. That love interest who keeps stringing you along with mixed signals; that family member who promises to do right but keeps making wrong choices; that annoying coworker who you hate to see come and love to see go are a few examples of emotional roller coasters. These spikes in emotion are no good for you or me, and it’s emotionally harmful to subject ourselves to them. Sure, bad things happen and in many cases are uncontrollable, but there is something we can control…how we respond to them both physically and emotionally.

In the past week I’ve been reminded about the difference between a thermostat and a thermometer as they relate to life on three different occasions. So I figure it must be an important lesson for me right now. A person who is like a thermometer only reflects what is going on around them. If something hurtful happens to them, they feel and wallow in that hurt or respond with another hurtful action. A person who is like a thermostat makes the necessary adjustments to the things going on around them. If that same hurtful thing happens, they feel the hurt too, but they choose not to allow that situation to get them down and they refuse to respond with hurt. Their mentality is this…Yes, it may hurt but you won’t get the benefit of knowing it. It may hit me like a ton of bricks, but instead of getting buried in those bricks I’m building something bigger and better out of them!

I rode an emotional roller coaster once. I was a young and naive teenager wanting so badly to win the heart of a particular young man and the title of being his girlfriend. Well, giving me that title was not on his agenda, but I couldn’t tell because of all the time we spent together. He would compliment me, take me out, show me physical affection, and even make promises of marrying me in the future. Of course those things had me on cloud nine. BUT when the subject of dating exclusively came up, he just wanted to be friends. I would plummet back down to earth with those words. For several years he would say he desired to be in a relationship with me, but then he would never do anything about it. I hated the way I felt–rejected, confused, and not good enough. Just when I thought I was over him, here he was saying or doing something else to draw me back in emotionally once again. I finally had to decide to LET IT GO! I erased his number out of my phone to stop myself from calling him and let him know that I could not be his friend. It was hard letting go, but when I finally did, I felt peace. No longer would he dictate how I felt about myself. No longer was I going to ride this ride. I got off and have been the better since.

Remember this. “You can’t change others. You can only change yourself, but that will change how others respond to you.” This is a quote I have hanging in my office as a reminder that the only person I can change is myself. This so liberating because it frees me from other people’s inconsistent or inconsiderate actions. This is true for you too. When you try and try and try to change others who have their own will it is a tiring and in many cases a hopeless process. The change must begin in you because that’s where your power lies with the help of the Holy Spirit and the ultimate change agent–the Word of God. Greater is he that is in you than he that is in the world! (1 John 4:4) The greater one inside you is more than able to keep you emotionally sober and in control. He is able to give you the strength to refrain from going back into situations that keep causing you pain and frustration. You can either own the depressing feelings running high in your flesh because of the decisions of others or you can reject them, realize that you are too smart to ride that ride, and ensure your emotional stability. The choice is yours!

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