Is finding a mate just on “The Man”, and does that mean it’s improper for a single woman to let a man know she’s interested? This was the question posed on the Single and Saved Radio Show recently, and here’s my response.

The scripture in question on this day’s talk was Proverbs 18:22, which says,

“Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the Lord.”

I can see how a woman would think that this scripture renders her passive and powerless in this whole dating process. It puts me in the mind of a scene in a romance novel where an unsuspecting woman sitting in a restaurant just minding her own business is being admired from afar by a guy searching for love. Then in the midst of his gaze their eyes meet. Flirty smiles and glances are exchanged, and then the guy makes his way over to her and says something charming like, “What is a beautiful woman like yourself doing sitting here all alone?” From there the rest is history. That’s the fantasy most women wish would happen, but I don’t think that’s the rule. And it’s definitely not how my love story began.

The way my husband and I met may not have fairy tale status, but I still believe that what we have is one of a kind. This may sound crazy, but my husband did not have me to think about before we met, not because he didn’t find me attractive, but because he didn’t want to be known as “that guy” who dated all the women in the church. So, I was actually interested in him first. But let me be clear on this. I DID NOT PURSUE HIM! All I did was express indirect interest in him, and he took it from there. Here’s how.

Russell had been going to my church for years, but I nor anybody else knew much about him because he only came on Sundays and vanished immediately after service was over. He never parlayed to enjoy the fellowship or to get to know anyone. Come to find out, he worked nights and a swing shift on top of that, which was why he never made it to Bible Study and why he didn’t have much time to hang around. Well, after some time I noticed that he was coming to church more often. He showed up at Bible study, Friday night services, and even a few events on Saturdays. Something had obviously changed, and it had. His job schedule shifted, which allowed him more time for ministry. Now, I wouldn’t say that I was attracted to him at the time, but I was now aware of his presence.

But that changed one fateful Friday night. I was singing with the praise and worship team when all of a sudden this guy walked in church with a fresh low hair cut, some jeans that fit quite nicely, and a t-shirt revealing some pretty chiseled arms. Honestly speaking, it took me straight out of worship. Is that Brother Whitaker? I asked myself, totally losing focus of the song. (Forgive me, Lord!) You see before this particular night, Russell sported an afro (which I wasn’t too fond of), and the only clothes I had ever seen him in were suits that hid his physique. Needless to say, this was a very pleasant surprise. Yet, I still maintained my distance.

A few weeks later, I had the pleasure of hearing him speak in tongues and genuinely praise God before others in a worship service. Okay, at that point I moved from noticing, to attraction, to intrigue. He’s faithful, fine, and filled? I thought. I wanted to know more, but I still maintained my distance. I thought long and hard about how I could get to know him without seeming too forward because I didn’t want to be seen as the type to chase a man. So, I prayed about it and I talked to the one person I knew could give me sound counsel on how to proceed, my Pastor. As soon as I mentioned wanting to get to know Russell, he thought it was a great idea! “But how do I get to know him without being so obvious?” I asked. I couldn’t believe what he said next.

“You just need someone to talk to him for you, and I’ll do it” he offered. My eyes shot back and forth, and my mouth dropped open in disbelief.

“Sir?” I asked, frightened and confused at the same time. “I’ll talk to him the next time I see him,” he said. “Don’t worry about it.”

The next few days felt like an eternity. I was so nervous because I didn’t know what he was going to say to him and more importantly I didn’t know what Russell’s reaction would be. The moment finally came, and I kind of hoped that my Pastor would forget what he said he would do, but he didn’t. When I saw the two of them talking I ran and hid. Can you imagine a 28-year-old woman hiding from a man? I’m slightly embarrassed to admit that was me, but it was. If you thought that first week felt like eternity, then the week following their “talk” felt like eternity to the 10th power. Sunday rolled around again, and I did at least muster up enough nerve to speak to Russell, but that was the extent of the conversation that day. I was a little disappointed because I figured he wasn’t interested in me, but I was also relieved because at least I knew where I stood and could stop wondering and move on. Little did I know, Russell was using that time to muster up enough courage to approach me. After church the next Sunday this is what I heard.

“Sister Bre, can I talk to you?” He must have been listening to Jodeci before church.

“Okay,” I said, trying to remain calm and bracing myself for a “I just want to be friends” conversation. We proceeded to walk into the parking lot for a little privacy.

“You seem to be a really nice person, and I’d like to get to know you better,” he continued. “Can I take you out sometime?” Did he just ask me out? I thought. This is not how I thought this was going to turn out. Pastor must have really made him think.

“I think we can make that happen,” I responded slow enough not to seem anxious yet fast enough to still show interest. From there, we exchanged numbers and talked on the phone several times before we actually went on out. Our first date was actually about 2 or 3 weeks later because of our busy schedules, but ever since that first date we’ve been inseparable.

So to be more explicit on the issue of whether or not it’s okay for a woman to let a man know that she’s interested, I would say that it is perfectly okay to show interest as long as she uses discretion and leaves it at that. Once that man sees that she is available and willing to entertain him, the ball is in his court. How he chooses to proceed is up to him. Just to reiterate, I don’t think it is cool for women to pursue men. I just think it’s acceptable to help a brother out with some subtle clues. Guys don’t like rejection either, so clues from you can reassure him that his efforts to pursue you won’t be met with resistance.

I want to leave you with this little tidbit I found while digging into Proverbs 18:22 more deeply. The meaning of the word “findeth” or matsa’ in the Hebrew language is to come forth to, appear or exist, to attain, to occur, to meet or be present, cause to find out, or cause to find occasion. That sounds to me like an introduction or opportunity and not necessarily a scavenger hunt. My pastor simply caused Russell to find out about me, and I was available to be found out about. Think about how Adam met Eve. He did not search for her. She was presented to him by God. There was his opportunity standing right before him. Even Ruth took advantage of an opportunity (as instructed by her mother-in-law, Naomi) to be in Boaz’s presence by gleaning in His fields. That was not a chance encounter or one that Boaz went searching for either. There she was right before his eyes. The rest was up to him. Now, ladies, I am not suggesting here that you use your most cunning feminine wiles to create these situations where you are always in a particular man’s face. That is border-line stalking. I am suggesting that you use wisdom given by the Lord and simply be attractive (but not slutty), available (but not easy), and obvious (but not a stalker). If you do that and above all else trust your Heavenly Father, He will ensure that the encounter you do have with the man He has chosen for you will be one to remember.

If you agree with me and even if you don’t, let me here your opinion in the comment section below. I’d love to hear thoughts from the single ladies and the stories from married ladies about how you and your husband met, so let’s chat.