Tag Archive for Marriage

Mothers, Don’t Disable Your Daughters

Posted on February 16, 2015 by

chore-listI participated in a very enlightening discussion recently with some close friends of mine about the Virtuous Woman. The focus verse was Proverbs 31:14 which states, “She is like the merchants’ ships; she bringeth her food from afar” (KJV). What is interesting about this particular quality in our beloved forerunner is that she does not seek convenience or the fast and easy way out of anything. Instead she seeks to present her family with quality. The majority of us young women in the group, consisting of wives, mothers, and single ladies had to admit that in our day and age we do indeed often favor a lifestyle of convenience, which sometimes compromises the quality of what we bring to the table (literally and figuratively) and is a stark contrast to the habits of the women in generations preceding ours. We see this in the amount of money spent on eating out (not to mention the amount of fast food we feed our kids) and the state of disarray we find our homes in more often than not. What happened to us? What happened to women who cooked, cleaned, raised multiple children and worked jobs without skipping a beat? Well, life happened. Career demands, ministry responsibilities, high-maintenance children, household chores with little to no help from husbands, going back to school, and honestly speaking bouts of laziness happens. So what do we do about it?

The first step is to realize that the role of the woman and God’s expectations of us as clearly outlined in His Word have not changed despite what many new-agers would say. Is that to say that the woman’s role is limited to the home? Not at all. It is to say that while the man is to be the head of the house and the leader of the family, we as women are to be the head of our home, as one very wise sister stated. Well isn’t that a contradiction? Not really. As the head of the home, we are responsible to see to it that the home is managed efficiently. I have no qualms with that. I just need a little help getting it done with all the other duties and endeavors on my plate. Does it take being a super woman? Since super human abilities are restricted to super heroes, which none of us are I’d say a resounding “No!” Instead, I think it takes super strategy, skill, and a sho-nuff system to be as effective as the virtuous woman is, which is step number two.

Not everyone’s system will look the same. What works for me may not work for you, so it is important to really seek God for a strategy that will specifically suit you and your family. You may not think that God is concerned with the manner in which you run your home, but He is. And when he reveals the strategy to you be diligent to carry it out with the aid and in the strength of the Holy Spirit. Believe it or not, the state of affairs in your home will spill out into the state of your life. Others will be able to see it in the way you operate outside your home. God cares because He cares about you and He wants you to be the best representation of Him that you can be. God is not out of order. Nor does He neglect His responsibilities. As His daughters, we shouldn’t either.

The third step is to ensure that we keep the proper precedent of how the virtuous woman operates in front of our daughters so that these virtuous qualities won’t be lost on them. The way that my grandmother, my mother and I were raised is completely different. My grandmother grew up picking cotton, cooking family meals from scratch (down to killing chickens off the yard), and going on to raise four children with an abusive husband. Life was certainly not easy for her. When my mother was growing up she had to do everything around the house: cook, clean, and watch after her younger sister and brothers under the pressure of her very demanding father. No peaches and cream there either. I, on the other hand, did have it pretty easy growing up compared to the two of them. I had a few chores, but was never made to do the things that either of them did daily. In our discussion one sister said that our parents wanted our lives to be better than their lives were, so they didn’t put the same amount of demands on us. That makes sense on the surface. But underneath it all I think it disabled us to a degree.

As a former classroom teacher and current school counselor I know what it means to be an enabler. I’ve seen numerous parents over the years who can accurately be placed in this category. Enablers make it easy for children to misbehave and make poor choices by failing to nip problem behaviors in the bud when they first occur and by making excuses for their children when really those excuses don’t excuse. It’s a parenting predicament among more recent generations, and I would argue that disabling is also a problem on the rise.

To disable is to make unable or unfit; and to weaken or destroy the capability of. Because of the lack of demands, many of our children are missing the care for the home that was ingrained in our mothers and grandmothers. In my opinion, we don’t need to relax the standards for our children to make life easier for them. It is our responsibility to instill those characteristics in the way that we raise them. So give them jobs to do around the house and require that they be completed on a reasonable time table. Teach them how to do these things and hold them accountable. And although the title is gender specific, let me just add that boys are not exempt from learning to be responsible around the house. That expectation will help to turn our boys into more supportive husbands on the home front. If we fail to do that, we are making them unfit for future family life and weak in work ethic. Let’s work to preserve the tradition, honor, and dignity of the virtuous woman in our own lives and the lives of generations to come. 

Feel free to share any other insights on this topic or strategies that help you be the phenomenal, virtuous woman in your home. Shout out to Deaconess Cheryl Hayes for inspiring this topic. Thanks, girlie!

No comments Posted in Family, Relationship with Others

Discover Your Sweetie’s Personality Style–Part 4

Posted on February 13, 2015 by

High C

Learning about others is important, but learning about yourself is priceless. So I’ve been enlightened, to say the least, in discovering my own personality style, which is High C. I’d like to think we High C’s are pretty unique in our nature. If you know me, you might say I’m a bit quirky also, but how boring would this world be if we were all the same, right? To be classed with the likes of Bill Gates and Albert Einstein is pretty awesome. If I had Bill Gates’ fortune and Einstein’s genius I’d be good to go. I don’t know how I feel about being classed with Condi though. I’ve always seen her as kind of stuffy and a bit of a prude. I’m not like that. Am I? (I wish you could see my eyes darting back and forth as I ponder this).

Words that describe us are cautious, competent, conscientious, contemplative, careful, and calculating. We have a tendency to be curious, inventive, intellectual and rational. We like to finish what we start. We can also be perfectionists, prone to liking organization and routine, and can have difficulty making decisions. Everything on this list describes me to a tee, except the organization part. l like organization, but I am not an organized person. Is that even possible? One ride in my car will reveal that it is.

As for what motivates us, our secret fuel is quality answers, good value, and being right. Now let me explain the last one. I don’t always have to be right (but it does feel good when I am), but I like doing the right thing. It is also important to me that anything I’m involved in be right as in morally, ethically, and legally proper. By nature, I’m not a rule breaker. Nor am I perfect by a long shot, but I do try to stay safely in the parameters that are provided me by those who are in charge. Also know that if we don’t get our way, we become critical and our character flaw is analysis paralysis. Here’s what you can do to help your High C significant other.

1. Provide quality answers to our questions. Men, women in general like to talk and pick your brains about things, but this habit is amplified in a High C woman. You will have to oblige us if you want to keep the peace and avoid the rant. Case in point…my husband was upset with me once for being late for an engagement, and I didn’t even realize it. I like to do things right, but the area of punctuality needs improvement. Anyway, he didn’t want to tell me what I had done to upset him, so when I asked him what was wrong his response was “nothing.” I could tell by the way he was ignoring me that he was lying, and I was not satisfied. So, I kept asking until I got tired. We had to come up with a compromise for future disagreements that if he did not want to talk at the moment, he had to promise that we’d talk later. That, I could live with.

2. Encourage us to see the big picture. High C’s get stuck in the details, asking tons of questions about the process before beginning anything. Hence, analysis paralysis. I went through a brief period before I finished writing my book that I contemplated all the details: who would publish, how would I pay for it, when would it be done, what if people don’t like it? Yada yada yada. Someone encouraged me to push past the fear and step out on faith. I did, and everything just fell into place. I’m so thankful for those who help me move forward, and your High C will be too.

3. Provide gentle correction. Gentle correction is all we need to get us back on track. It’s probably because we like to do things right anyway. When I was little my mom never had to do much scolding. I can count on one hand how many spankings I got as a child. A hard look or a good talking to always did the trick. So, no need for harsh words or criticism. The High C in your life will appreciate the gentle correction and take it as love.

4. Value our attention to detail and tasks. Details are important because they are the building blocks of everything. Us high C’s want everything we’re involved in to go off without a hitch, so we spend time attending to the construction of those blocks. If you’ve ever attended a well organized event that flowed, you’d better believe there was a High C on the planning committee. The level of quality that comes from careful planning and a desire for excellence should be appreciated, not regarded as anal. Tell him or her how much you appreciate it.

5. Encourage empathy. Excessive attention to details can, in some cases, cause one to be insensitive to the needs of others. High C’s sometimes need to be reminded about people when we get stuck in our focus bubbles. My husband gives me a sensitivity check just when I need it. He knows me so well.

6. Recognize our need for routine and guidelines. High C’s need order in our lives. When order is missing, it just does something to us. We like to know where we’re going and how to get there. Again, it’s all about those details. As for date suggestions, let your High C be a part of the planning. Don’t keep her completely in the dark about the plans. If she’s like me, she won’t be able to handle a complete surprise. For example allow her to give you three suggestions of things she’d like to do. Then you choose one of the three ideas. You already know she’ll be happy because it was her idea and because she feels some level of control and order.

Now, it’s important to note that not everyone is limited to one personality style. We are all blends of personalities. I can see myself fitting in with different aspects of the other personality styles also, but make no mistake I am a High C and proud of it! If you are a High C right along with me, feel free to let me know if I nailed it or NOT. I’d also like to know if this information has helped to enlighten or inspire you in your relationships. I welcome your comments.

 

2 comments Posted in Dating, Marriage, Relationship with Others, Uncategorized

Discover Your Sweetie’s Personality Style–Part 3

Posted on February 12, 2015 by

High S

My mom and I have a very unique relationship. I am her only child, and she has never been married. You can probably imagine the tight bond that the two of us share, and this is where the conflict comes in for us at times. I am and will always be her baby. At the age of 34, being your mama’s baby and pretty much the closest person in her life is a blessing and a challenge at the same time. Sometimes, it’s just hard for her to let go, and I never fully understood that until I learned more about her personality.

What’s ironic is we look just alike, but as far as personalities go, I must have taken that after my dad. My mom is the type of person who is so sweet, but is easily offended. She is friendly and personable, but lacks assertiveness in certain areas. She likes to be appreciated for her work and efforts, but doesn’t like a big fuss about it. People like her fall into the High S personality type. High S’s tend to be creative and imaginative, happiest with family and friends, and sensitive and compassionate. If things don’t go their way the result is hurt feelings. I don’t want to give away the contents of my next post, which holds details of my personality, but I can tell you that while we’re both pretty reserved individuals, we handle things and approach issues totally different and we have different needs.

The secret fuel for the High S is peace and harmony. They like to exist with minimal conflict, which means they don’t like to stir up confusion. Now if they’re involved in someone else’s confusion, they will be affected by it. They’re not very confrontational, so generally only those closest to them will know about it. The down side of their non-confrontational nature is the tendency to be considered a sucker, meaning they can easily be taken advantage of because they’re so nice and shy. Here are some strategies for those of us in relationships with High S’s to both help ourselves and them.

1. Show concern for their feelings and empathize with their problems. All High S’s really need is a listening ear and someone to justify their feelings. Talking about the issues of the day to those closest to them can be therapeutic since they tend to internalize so much. Those of us who fall into that category should be more sensitive to this need by taking the time to actually listen, ask them how their day went, try to refrain from dismissing their feelings (even when you do think they’re overreacting), and try not to offer solutions. A little empathy will go a long way in making the High S feel loved and supported.

2. Help them develop decision making, goal setting, and assertiveness skills. This is so important because if you don’t help them with this, they will really depend on you to help them with a lot of things that you might think should come naturally, like asking questions and talking to people. I’ve had to encourage my mom to do this as a way to advocate for herself. Here’s a word of caution with this though. Encourage them to be more assertive, but make sure you do it in a loving, “I’m on your side” kind of way. If you come off too harshly or sounding critical, they will shut down. The next strategy explains why.

3. Remember that criticism is taken personally, even when unintended. You could have the best, most harmless intentions when attempting to help the High S with decision making, goal setting, and assertiveness, but it may not be received as such. Adjusting your tone of voice and coming at it from a different angle may help. The term “sugar coat” is a good way to describe this technique. High S’s are more likely to be drawn with honey than with vinegar (the cold hard truth). Make no mistake about it. The truth should still be shared with them. I’m just suggesting that the truth will be better received if spoken in love and consideration of their feelings.

4. Appreciate their work and efforts. Like High I’s, High S’s like for others to acknowledge and appreciate what they do. The difference is they prefer for it to be done in private without all the hoopla that High I’s enjoy. When considering a gift for them, a nice meaningful card or other heartfelt token of appreciation that actually tells them what you appreciate about them is a good idea. For my mom, simply telling her that you enjoy her cooking puts a smile on her face. Another good idea is to relieve them of a household chore that they normally do and acknowledge that you’re giving them a break because you noticed how hard they’ve been working. It doesn’t take much, but please indulge them on this if you want to show them some love.

If you are a High S feel free to leave a comment to let me know if I’ve nailed it or NOT. I welcome your feedback. Stay tuned for the next post on the High C, which is my personality style. 🙂

 

No comments Posted in Dating, Marriage, Relationship with Others, Uncategorized
« Older Entries   Recent Entries »