Gabriel and I after delivery.
“Are you ready to hear your baby cry?” asked the doctor from behind the hospital curtain that separated me from her, the surgical team, and my newborn baby–a routine procedure during a cesarean birth.
The previous feelings of fear of the unknown: the pain of contractions, spinal anesthesia, and being fully conscious during the surgery were replaced with new feelings of anticipation at the thought of hearing my son’s voice for the first time. And then I heard it, the sweet, long-awaited cry. It was actually more of a wail, but it was still the most beautiful thing I had ever heard.
I was already in tears from the first brief glimpse of his little french vanilla colored body as she lifted him over the blue barrier, so his cries made my tears flow even more. That’s my baby, is all I could think and murmur to myself while my husband and the neonatal nurse cleaned him up and prepared him for skin-to-skin contact with his mama.
As soon as my husband brought him over to me, more tears poured.
“Say something to him,” he encouraged me.
“I can’t,” I said through my sobs. The intense emotion was so overwhelming, and I had never felt that way before.
Then our cheeks met. I managed to speak to him for the first time face-to-face. “Hey, Gabriel. This is your mommy, and I love you,” I said. I longed to hold him, but I was still on the operating table getting stitched up. I finally knew the meaning and the feeling of love at first sight.
And eight weeks later in spite of all the late night feedings (I’m an eight hours of sleep kind of gal), the loud crying (not used to being around babies as an only child), and the pull on my time, attention, and finances (again I’m an only child used to taking care of only me), I am still and even more so in love with him, my angel.
Gabe at one month old.
He’s not just an angel because his name is Gabriel though. He’s an angel because of how God is using him to enhance my life spiritually. Like the heavenly angels, Gabriel has given me renewed hope in the presence and promises of God. For three years my husband and I tried to conceive a child with both of us having physical challenges that could hinder conception. For three years we prayed, confessed, and praised God for a child that we did not see manifested. For three years we made preparation for him–painting his nursery, buying baby items like diapers and rattles all in an effort to add works to our faith. Of course there were occasional bouts with doubt, but God. My son is living proof and a constant reminder that God is real; that he hears my prayers; that he cares enough to answer them; and that he is not a man that He should lie neither the son of man that He should repent. If he said it, he will do it. If he spoke it, He will bring it to pass (Numbers 23:19).
God is also using him to build my trust in Him. Proverbs 3:5-6 says “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not to thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths.” Being a parent comes with its own set of challenges, challenges that are totally new to me–supporting a child financially, raising him according to God’s standards amid such worldly perversions and ungodly influences, balancing his needs with my own and not to mention the needs of my spouse, my job and my ministry. I’ll admit it has been a challenge trying to figure out how to manage it all. That’s why trust in God is necessary. I need His divine grace and help to do it well. This is not to say that I never had to trust God before my son was born, but this has been an opportunity to trust Him more and on a completely different level as provider, way maker, and companion.
Gabriel has also been used by God to grow my commitment and service to God. It is easy to get complacent and use my son as an excuse to neglect my obligations to God (it’s too cold to bring Him out to church or I’m too tired from being up with him all night to go to church), as many people do when they have received their hearts desire from Him. But that is no time to get slack and stop serving God. I am faced with the reality that there is more that God is requiring of me besides being a wife and mother, and on top of that I have the awesome responsibility to model a heart to please God in front of my son in the decisions I make. God never intended for His promises to take our hearts away from Him. They are supposed to draw us closer to Him through humble thankfulness toward Him for those manifested promises. I thank God that my angel, Gabriel is doing just that for me.
