Tag Archive for relationships

Relinquishing Control–A Success Story

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Russell and I at the Salsa Cabana. Our eyes look crazy because the flash blinded us.

Usually I don’t dish about dates with my husband, but since I promised an update on how I handled giving up complete control to be totally surprised, I’ll share. I say totally surprised, but I actually knew that we were going to dinner. I just didn’t know where and what we’d do afterwards. And I say give up complete control, but that’s actually not completely true. Since I didn’t know the dress code for the restaurant, I consulted with my husband to find out what I should wear.

“Wear something semi-formal with comfortable shoes,” he suggested.

“Comfortable shoes?  You mean like teacher shoes that I would wear to work?” I inquired. Teacher shoes are the flat orthopedic-like shoes that are comfortable for hours of standing and walking.

“I can’t be cute with a dress and teacher shoes!” Every dress I pulled out of the closet was shut down as an option because they were either too dressy or not dressy enough. So I told him to pick. While I was in the shower he took it upon himself to choose what he thought was the perfect outfit for me.  When I saw it I regretted putting him in charge of that decision. He chose a brown and green combination that included a skirt from a suit, a button down cotton shirt and casual knee boots. It was sweet of him, but I refused to wear it because it wasn’t my style. Who am I kidding? I thought it was ugly. I wanted to feel and look good on my birthday, so I had to take control back just a little.

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The lovely view of downtown Columbia from Al’s Upstairs italian restaurant.

After I picked an outfit, we drove to Columbia (an hour away from home). During the drive we shared the things about each other that we are thankful for (my suggestion). We were supposed to do this on Thanksgiving Day but the food, sleep, football games, and black Friday shopping took over. It was off the cuff too. We were supposed to write them down each day in November, but we both forgot to do it. Despite the impromptu nature of it, I still felt special. I should say that I had to navigate this trip even though I didn’t know the name of the destination since my husband’s sense of direction is not something I’m thankful for. He only told me the address, but I got us near enough to the vicinity to find it. We arrived at this small but elegant italian restaurant with a beautiful 2nd-floor view of downtown Columbia. It’s called Al’s Upstairs.  The atmosphere of this place was very intimate and romantic–dimmed lights, candles, soft music, and of course that killer view.

“How did you find this place?” I asked.

“A man never reveals his secrets,” he said, but I persisted. I told him I kind of thought he was going to take me to the last restaurant we had gone to because he knew I liked it.

“That wouldn’t be original,” he explained. Good answer.

“So how’d you find out about it?” I asked again. It turns out he asked around and a coworker recommended this place. I’m glad he listened. Next we ordered our food and while we waited we continued our thankful qualities list. A few laughs later, our food arrived. It was delicious! The service was equally pleasing too. So far I was delightfully surprised with my birthday celebration. I wanted to know what was next. Again, he had to tell me something because he needed me to give him directions. We were going salsa dancing–something we had only done once while we were dating but was loads of fun.

Although I had to literally pull him to the dance floor, we got in a few good dance moves–the salsa, merengue, bachata, and the best latin dance of all, the wobble. My shoe choice ended up being perfect for dancing. We laughed some more, acted silly, and just enjoyed each other’s company into the early morning. A birthday well spent.

It turns out my husband had put a lot of thought into planning a fun birthday date that we both enjoyed, without my help. What I learned is that he actually knows me better than I give him credit for and that I can trust his judgement when it comes to gift giving while I relax and enjoy the ride (or give directions on the way). 🙂

Relinquishing Control this Holiday Season

I canA man with a gift. be somewhat of a control freak at times, especially when it comes to receiving gifts. It may be because I like to buy gifts for people that I know they will love, so I ask them what they want. Maybe it’s because I also want to love the gifts I receive, so I tell people what I want. It could be that growing up an only child has caused me to expect exactly what I want and be disappointed if I don’t get it. Perhaps I have a Janet Jackson complex and just like the idea of controlling the situation. This is true with surprise parties also.  If there is a party being planned for me, I like to know all the details. Surprises just leave me feeling vulnerable because I don’t know what I should wear to said party or who will be there. It’s ridiculous, I know. So this year I am going to work on changing that.

Usually I give the people closest to me a list of items that I’d like to have for my birthday and Christmas. You know, to make their shopping easier. (Who am I fooling?) Or I just opt for cash so I can go buy what I like. But I’ve put away that list in favor of actually being surprised for a change. I’m going to go with the flow, and appreciate whatever gifts I receive. My first test will be in two days when I will celebrate my 34th birthday. My husband has asked me several times what I want (he’s used to my ways, and I think he secretly likes it so he won’t have to think too hard about making plans), but all I have said is “It’s up to you, sweetie. Whatever you do, I’m sure I’ll love.” And I know I will, as long as he puts real effort into it. (Here I go again putting conditions on it) As you can see, it hasn’t been easy to just let him plan on his own. I have asked him on at least two occasions about his plans for my birthday, whether or not he has made plans, and what I should wear.  He refused to tell me, but I’m glad. How else will the cycle of control be broken? In the meantime I have two days (feels more like 22 days) to wait and see what surprises are in store for me. I’ll let you know how it goes. 🙂

How Long is Too Long to Date? Part 1

dating-tips-1You’ve heard people say it before and you’ve probably said it yourself a time or two. “What are they waiting on to get married?” It happens.  You see a couple who have been together for a while who look happy and are in a reasonably good position to be married (ie. age, maturity, and resources) you can’t help but to wonder, why the delay.  Truthfully, it’s really none of our business when the nuptials will occur, but it does lead one, (particularly me) to ask, what is a reasonable amount of time for a Christian to spend dating before the I-do’s are exchanged? I’ve heard of people dating for five and ten years before, and I always find it hard to wrap my head around spending that amount of time with someone without a solid commitment.  Again, I’m talking about two Christian people whose lives are committed to serving Christ and want to do things His way. Even the most devout believer will have to deal with their flesh wanting to rebel at some point when things are dragged on for too long (unless you live on opposite ends of the planet) or are not physically attracted to each other (in which case, why be in the relationship?)  Sure, they can overcome those temptations, but is it wise for them to put themselves through that pressure when there’s really no need to?  I realized this when I was planning my wedding and deciding on a date. I had chosen a date already, but was asked to push the date back a few months to accommodate some of my guests. I wanted them to be there, but I wanted to please God more. I knew that the longer I waited the harder “waiting” would be.  So I decided not to take that chance since there really was no need to. I do not have any definitive answers to the question posed in my title, but what I want to explore here in this series of posts are a few of the reasons some couples decide to extend the dating experience maybe a little longer then necessary, which I call dating myths, and debunk them with some good Biblical wisdom and real-life experience.

Myth #1: I don’t have enough money to get married.

This may also be stated as “I have to achieve a certain level of success financially before I get married.”  Granted, having a surplus of money is very helpful when it comes to starting a life together, but it is not a prerequisite to a successful marriage.  I know because I consider my marriage to be a success, and there was no nest egg set aside for either of us. We have been climbing the ladder of success and financial prosperity together.  We did have to deal with this particular myth though.  My then boyfriend, Russell, thought he needed to have more money before he proposed to me, but he admitted to me that every time he tried to save money toward our future life together, something would “come up”. And I’d venture to say that things would continue to “come up” just to delay things even longer.  Preparation is important, but I don’t believe that you will ever be 100% prepared for all the responsibilities of marriage, especially if you’ve never been married.  More importantly, when your goal is to do things God’s way, your adversary the devil, whose job it is to steal, kill, and destroy, will do everything he can to steal your peace, kill your faith, and destroy your holy testimony (John 10:10). Want to know how God proved this myth to be false for us?  Well, once Russell moved in faith and proposed to me, the favor started pouring in.  We were able to plan an entire wedding, reception, and honeymoon in four short months with no financial burden because everything was paid for in full with money left over. That’s right. God’s promise was applied to our wedding plans. “The blessing of the Lord, it maketh rich, and he addeth no sorrow with it” (Proverbs 10:22 KJV) And He will do the same for you if you step out on faith and refuse to let your savings be your excuse.

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Let me know your thoughts, and be on the lookout for dating myth # 2 in my next post.